A part of me just died. Fear not, it isn't a vital organ. It's not someone close to me, not something dear to me, not something I'm going to miss. And not something I'll ever forget.
And if you can't guess what it is, don't worry. You aren't supposed to, this isn't a contest and certainly not a guessing game. And, for those of you who already feel like redirecting to your homepage or some other site of higher importance, I'll make this quick and easy.
I've decided to discontinue my blog.
That is all. I hope it makes news around the world, though I'm not counting on it. I hope it puts a smile on your face. I hope you're happy for me, or for having been rid of the obligation of keeping track of this. I hope that somehow, my decision benefits you. Because no matter how much I'd like to believe that I don't care what others think, I'll be wrong.
I do care, my personality is but of eccletic nature which is why I can hate and like things in a way which most others find absurd. I absorb the personalities of others, prose of the books I read, ideas of wise men, theories of vigilant researches. Everything I see and hear, and love and care for, and hate and fear, all becomes a part of me. If I can't care for your opinion, your views about my views, your ideas and your response, who else do I have to care for? God? He sure as hell would never wipe my tears, but you might. And it's strangely satisfying to have your existance constantly confirmed by those who surround you and form that circle of security which keeps you from going off limits and getting lost, with their words and reactions and emotions. As weak as it makes me sound, I've never felt stronger. Honesty is underrated, indeed.
Why was I so cynical? I never really meant to have others take this blog to be something of my perspective on life. When you go through the contents, you do not see the world through my eyes, but only as I see it through the eyes of a desperate father, a slave, a delinquent, a sadist, a thief, someone who has lost something, or someone who gained something at the price of losing something more valuable. These are aspects of human nature, dark ones if not the darkest. And while I am (unparticularly) none of the above, I'm not incapable of emotion. I can feel what they feel, a good part of it. And I undstand their need for purpose and responsibility, or freedom and kindness. Not fully, but as well as I can.
Of course, this is really just, too beautiful compared with everything else I said in this blog. 'Laden' with sarcasm as it was, it was also thirsty for compassion. But I was not the one who could quench this thirst, you were. And for a good part, you did well. And for a small part, you did what was expected, but still appreciated. Not that I have any right to judge people to begin with. Not that I care for rights at all. But my goals in writing were two:
a) to vomit my sickening thoughts
b) to make no effort of hiding this intention
I'm not discontinuing it now for some higher purpose, or great deed. Or because someone hates me for it, worse yet loves me. I've just lost the need for something such as this. I can't say if I've found a better sewer, I probably haven't.
But I've come to a realisation, that easier than vomiting these thoughts, is letting them illuminate your understanding. Rather thinking of it as letting them feast your insides, let them dig deeper into you and explore you so you can understand yourself. Running away from your problems doesn't get rid of them, that's only true for bad supervillains. Facing them isn't smart, either. But using them to understand why they became problems to begin with, is what I see as a productive (if not the most productive) way of handling things. It might not be the greatest idea ever, but it's the best I've got so far and until I find a better one.
Already, this is getting repetitive and laborious to read, I know this because I tried reading it. Maybe it's just me. Anyway. It was great having you all, my dearest readers. I might not suspend blogging indefinitely, I might get a new blog. But this is the end of the road for Bornsatin. I hope you enjoyed the emotional rollercoaster with nothing but vertical depressions.
Stay tuned for updates, drop in once-a-month, if you can. I don't insist, I hope.
Here's a list for any random lurker, or reader who finds this site. Posts myself and others thought were worth reading: (in chronological order)
- God Rant 1
- Excerption A
- Excerption B
- Excerption E
- God Rant 2
- MSN Conversation
- Situational Irony
- God Rant 3
Godspeed, the journey is a shit one : )